


Kamen Rider Misery

by guava



Category: Kamen Rider - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 11:19:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14163708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guava/pseuds/guava
Summary: A Kamen Rider Fusion based on the classic Russian novelGlobovitch's Miseries.





	Kamen Rider Misery

**(1) A New Rider Rises**

The winter of Moscow could not rival the winter in my heart. Frostbitten were the muscles of intimacy; not a trace of warmth for the sustenance of my soul.

"It's because of what the System has done," the Doctor sighed, stroking his long white beard. "You don't have a human body now. You're no longer human." 

The door burst open and in rushed the footsoldiers of the System. One hoisted a rifle to aim at the doctor's chest. The shot landed and the old man fell. 

Blood may be trickling from his lips and turning his white beard red, but his lips continued to move. I wondered if he was murmuring a final prayer to God. 

I leaned in to listen. 

"You belong to the System now." 

I let the Doctor's dying words sink in and rose to my full height. This was nothing; I was unshaken, for I have undergone many miseries in my life. I reached into the pocket of my coat for the red book that contained my destiny.

"HENSHIN!" 

**(2) The Upgrade**

"Dryusha!" 

That was Elena calling for me. 

To hell with her! To hell with justice! To hell with hell itself! 

I forewent my glass to chug the vodka straight from the bottle, letting the drink burn holes through my stomach. The barman shook his head and turned away, already giving me up as a lost cause. 

I wasn't so lucky with Elena. When she appeared beside me, I did not acknowledge her and only noted the big, black book that she was holding with both hands. She lifted the book, bringing it down to smash my empty glass. Empty like the uncaring citizens that I am supposed to protect from the system.

Not the book, though; it was my magnum opus filled with entries of my miseries that was untouched since my transformation. There were only a few blank pages left for me to unload the contents of my heart. 

"I'm looking forward to your next entry, Dryusha," Elena sneered.

Her iciness counteracted the vodka in my guts. I summoned the bartender again to ask for a pen. With it, I scribbled all night until I reached the final page. What I usually took five days to write, I wrote it all in one night. 

As I stepped outside to go home, I found a General of the System waiting for me. 

I know what I have to do now. 

I joined my book of miseries with the red book, transforming into the hero who rose from the ashes of misery. 

**(3) The Second Rider Arrives**

Count Vassiliy took great pleasure in calling me 'sir,' exaggerating his respect as a young man of nobility and old money would to an older man with an unremarkable background. 

I do not take pleasure in him calling me 'sir'. 

As for Elena, she has taken up with the Count quite easily. All three of us were present at a ball tonight to look out for a General of the System that has infiltrated the intelligentsia. But Elena only has eyes for one man.

"He's smart, he's handsome and he's strong!" Elena laid out her reasons. "Oh, and he waltzes too!"

"So do I," I declared and extended a hand to lead her to dance. 

Two times of me stepping on Elena's foot and three times of Elena stepping on mine later, Count Vassiliy arrived to help us salvage our dance. 

"Allow me," he said, taking both my hands in his to show me the right moves.

 **(4) The Annual Bitchslap**

The end of Count Vassiliy's life meant more than the end of Kamen Rider Noble. When he perished, a part of the nation's future perished with him. And so did a part of Elena. 

Left alone without our comrade, we stood alone in the storm. Elena clenched her fists. Without any members of the System around, I was the only one who could receive her anger and her grief. 

She struck me as thunder crackled. 

I struck her back. 

The rain beat down. 

As Elena fell, mud from a puddle splashed over her. I raised my head towards the sky and let the heavens wash away my tears. 

I looked back at her and said, "Be careful about what you do. He's no longer here to protect you anymore." 

I walked away from the rain with a drought in my heart. 

**(5) The Final Battle**

I stood in the graveyard with a ticket to sail to Paris the very next day. I thought I had cut off the evil of the System at the source, but that was but a pipe dream. When the Count and I were fighting in our homeland, the System had extended its tendrils to all of Europe and possibly the entire world.

Before I leave, I have to first bury Elena in the village where she was born. Hearing of her supposed disgraceful affair with Count Vassiliy, her parents forbade any of her siblings and relatives to attend her funeral. Her third sister gave me some money to have her grave dug in the local graveyard. 

Deep in my sorrows, I failed to stop a young man from jumping into Elena's half-filled grave like how Shakespeare's Prince Hamlet leaped into Ophelia's final resting place. 

Who could that be? An old flame whom Elena had grown up with? 

"Stop! There's a man in there!" I alerted the gravedigger. 

The gravedigger paused, glanced ahead and said, "There's no one there. You must be looking at a ghost." 

I checked again and realized that I knew who that young man was - Count Vassiliy, Kamen Rider Noble. 

I nodded at the gravedigger to signal that he could continue filling Elena's grave. Turning away from the ghost of my friend and our beloved, I gazed over the woods, the river and the animals roaming on the grass. 

A land free from the System. 

As I stepped closer to my next misery, my footsteps imprinted my despair into the ground. 

Farewell, my homeland! 

Farewell, my comrades! 

Farewell, Dryusha…Andrey Ilyanov Globovitch! My very self!

**Author's Note:**

>  _Globovitch's Miseries_ is a fake Russian novel created for lucybeetle's Amazons fic [The Best of Us Can Find Happiness in Misery](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7712434) and referenced again in her Ghost AU fic [Deep Rock Love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11484795/chapters/30244917). 
> 
> Happy April Fools'! 
> 
> Though the classic novel is fake, lucybeetle's fandom classics aren't. Go check them out if you haven't! :D


End file.
